%EMPTY

e m P t Y

Tried to write a letter; In ink
I've got a piece of paper; But it's Empty

{/Insecurities VS Realities --

Sunday, January 04, 2009 ( 12:42 AM )

I'm stuck right now in between a cyclone of problems.. It all sort of started individually but then they all seemed to collide, mesh and reassemble together in one big mess... at all times in front of my relatives ...

If you have been reading my blog, You'd notice that I want to have a really worth and wholesome year with my goals already set... To save up money... To start a relationship that is meaningful and just emotionally supporting ... To Bring my Crews to a Higher level and my Self experience as well... And to build many more memories with people I Cherish and People I've yet to meet...

But, (and there always will be...)

Today... as I was partaking in a feast by my grandaunt, I received an sms from one of my favourite dance partners and crew mates... saying she has to quit... of all days.. earlier today I was talking to Bryan about how I wanted to bring my crew to a better level and feel the achievement of working together.... And.. then.. This had to happen... At first I thought to myself ... Why don't I ask her why? Why is She going to leave... But then I answered my own questions.... Hakim.. Cheryl.. Furbee.. One by One they're all leaving... Now its Shai... If next Sap decides to go (Shai's BF)... I told myself...

"Greg just get up and leave.. it's going to be you all alone again... eventually after everyone starts getting sick of the way the crew is turning out"...

I am ashamed..

Not at Shai... or Furbee... or Cheryl or Hakim...

I'm ashamed at myself....

For having such thoughts to begin with... I have become so weak...

But this alone is not the bulk of my problems..

I have told my other friend hui ting.. that I feel inferior in my field of VC especially when it comes to being challenged by other students.. How could I lose.... I worked so hard at it and only got that kind of grading.. and yet there are people way younger than me In my Class some in other Classes.. that are getting straight As and even 3.7 and above GPAs...

I can't expect them to get worst for my sake off course.. I can't study to get better than them.. How do you study art? I know there's theory to it but 90% of it is also inborn talent.. in being good with putting things like ideas/colors/layouts/themes/series of works and many other factors together... And I'm not born with that.. I'm learning that...

IT Doesn't Matter How NICE I am... IT Doesn't Matter HOW RICH I AM.. IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER HOW INVITING MY PERSONALITY IS!?

The fact is that I'll never be as good as some people are.. and it hurts me to know that I have things about myself that I can feel that it's a combination of my insecurities of my own nature in combination with a lack of good judgement (Which I totally wish I didn't have right now)...

To make matters worst.. School's starting soon and now that there's someone in my class I'm not very fond of knowing about my personal life more.. I hope he does happen to keep personal matters out of daily matters... and no it's not you fir.. so don't worry ok...

Lastly, I know you still might not be reading my blog since you very rarely go online... But tonight I really needed you but since there hasn't been much of a reply from you through my sms.. I'm guessin that you're tired of me or something.. So I guess I was right..(I've Just only realised this...)

I'm Right that... Somehow.. everyone that gets to know me.. will eventually runaway from me.. And in the end I will have no one to turn to because All i do is push people even further away from me..

I guess that's why Shai Left... I guess that's Why Hakim, Cheryl, Furbee are gonna leave.. I guess that's why my parents don't talk to each other.. I guess that's why I hardly see old friends anymore.. I guess that's why I feel separated from society almost all the time... I guess that's why My lecturers don't see the potential in me to drive me further... I guess that's why I'm talking as though I might die right now...

(I can't believe I just typed that)

But Since it's drove me to think that.. I shall leave it there...Maybe crying it out right now is all I need.. I'll be back when I'm ... Better?

Or rather.. I don't know..

V'ZeuLKiD

PS.. I guess I'm just not good enough to be your Kun/Sama... (crying...)

{/Play at My HeartStrings --

... For A Better Feel ... With Me ...

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