%EMPTY

e m P t Y

Tried to write a letter; In ink
I've got a piece of paper; But it's Empty

{/Heavy Heart --

Saturday, June 23, 2007 ( 4:22 AM )

NOTE ... PLEASE DON'T READ THIS POST... UNLESS YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW... KNOW ALL ABOUT MY DEPRESSING SIDE OF LIFE...!!!

Spring Cleaning Is over..
I'd like to describe it but...
I'm just not gonna tell u the short story..

here's what I did:

Marked all the tables..
Moved all the tables out of Store with Eng Kiong, Siti and Fizah..
Cleaned the nook and Crannies of The Cieling..
Cleaned the Display Sign Outside Of Delifrance..
Supervised some portions of Spring Cleaning For the Servers..
Cleanned Stereos outside
Took out all the Kitchen Items on Shelves
-Pepper to Peaches
-Butterscotch To Baked Beans
-Mayonaise to Thousands Island Dressing
-Oil to Soya Sauce
-Cutlery To Pottery
-Cooking Utensils to Display Items
-And Even those little Kids meal Smily faces
Then I cleaned All of the shelves while on top of a Ladder That is as Stable as A Plate on A feather...
Put Back Air vents Filters Fitted in Ceiling
Cleaned Panel Outside
Cleaned and arranged Back The tables
Carry and Lifted the Tables above polished floor
Went For supper
((rolls Eyes))

Just Found out the truth about abang Sultan there and then at the Spring Cleaning From Jamin...

That Abang Sultan was Really a criminal and that he laundered money from the Store
TO see Jamin tell us that was inbearable..
He was such a nice guy too
Pity..
to think that someone with sucha nice face, smile and service style
Trained in under a Month by JAMIN herself and put str8 to Manager position..
Gone.. in under three months Cox he stole money and didnt admit it till He was Brought to HQ...
I'm speechless
...

Later, After spring Cleaning Ended,
Me, Harani, Baby, Mamat, Kumar, Nathan, Nurill and Linda Headed to supper..
Linda wasnt feelin too well....
After a while she started crying
dont know why??? she didnt eat and hardly drank anything that she was given...

Later Mamat and Baby Started Smoking...
I couldn't take the smoke so I went to the Sheltered area nearby to Sit down..
I turned on my iPod and just played the Latest Tunes I downloaded...
turns Out, It played the first song Randomly.. And it was
the song ur listening to now.. on my blog..

And after tt I took a look at Linda who wasn't smokin..(strange)..
She took a seat adjacent to me at the other End of the same sheltered area..
She put her HP Headphones on and just listened to her Music..
A Part of me knew that Linda Could very well be like Abang Sultan..
as what many people say...

But... Deep down I realized...
She is just like U, Me, the Next door Neighbour.. the lady Across the Street.. The President of the USA(although its hard to believe) in that..
we
Are
All
Human...

No one deserves to be feelin sad..
I wanted to Give her a Hug so bad..
but then,

It was like a Gunshot Triggered at my Emotional Side OF my Brain..
BANG!!!

I was Out of it...
I started tearin Up..

I imagined the things that She and Everyone was feelin Right at that moment..
I was Flushed By emotions.. being tossed IN my Mind's Eyes...
I didn't Feel Like I was In my Own Will anymore..

Past Memories Raced Back ... Back into my Heart, My soul, My Plane of emotions...
I started Tearing up... and Soon after I left With the rest for home..

Harani: Where are You Going Greg?
Me: I'm going home in a Different Direction..
Harani: Why not Go home with Kumar Darling?
Me: ( waves goodbye and walks Off ) Bye darling...

No Dont mistake I wasnt Personally angry with Kumar or anything..
I just needed to be alone...

Later Harani Msged Me
Harani: Are You Ok dear?
Me: Ya
Harani: If anything u can talk to me dear.. Im here for you..

Sweet ain't it..

well..

Haiz..
Just can't believe How Sad I actually felt later...
It was emotion Point again

I went home listening to a Song
Beautiful- Mandalay...

It is a song that reminds oneself that your Beautiful..
Self- Beauty is impt.??

Yes it is.. Self Acknowledged beauty Is self confidence at times...
Where was my self-Confidence?

I went up to the same place again
Outside My house, The staircase...
listening to the end of the song your listening to on my blog once more...
After the song,
I switched my iPod off.. and then...
about 3 minutes later...

I cried...

wanna Know what I cried about?

My family
My friends
My Dearly Departed
My job
The Facts...

I was sad For My parents will never stop fighting, never will they get back together again

I was sad for everyone that smoked, they're killin their friends more than themselves

I was sad I saw Eng Kiong smoking, I thought he was someone that I respected

I was so Scared of being Tricked By someone like Abang Sultan Again
I was really so scared

I knew I was going to stop workin there soon, would I cry the way Azmi Cried when he left?
Would anyone remember Greg.. Would I have made a Good enough impression..?

I was Sad For Rose.. I remember the time she got her O level results and she was so sad she cried, Cried like there was no tomorrow for her.. I'd never seen her cry before.. She was the one I thought I'd end up crying to.. but.. she was the one Crying.. I couldn't do much to help her...

I was sad that Owen, jazlyn and Leslie Cox In my heart I know I'll never be as close to them asfter school starts.. It be like making new friends around the next time I see them.. what would be BP then?

I was Sad that I couldn't see leslie.. Cox he's in Army I miss him...

I was sad that I'd probably never be included in TOR cos Im gay..

I thought about The entire Class and every single person.. I regretted so much that we ALL Just Had to have that fight in the last year of school.. I really wish I could Have done something to avert that... but what?

I was Sad that Jamin had Diabetes and that She Isn't taking care of herself.. altho she knows it is bad for her to take sweet stuffs..

I was sad for people like Baby Butch, Mamat, Harani, Kumar, Rose, Suyati...
Cox I know What they go through Life
ITS HORRIBLE..
to be living a life that Is dictated by other people and Not having much to cherish..
but Your family.. and the few friends that dwell around you...

I was sad For Linda... She didnt have many friends and her immediate friends are all pretending to be friends with her cox she actually pisses them off..

I was Sad, Cox i kept thinkin how much I hurt My Ex's ... ALL OF THEM.. and howw much I still miss them and wish they were still mine.. Huggin me... tellin me that they loved and cherished me.. I hurt Fadli, Wei Cheng, Mirul and maybe just maybe even Luke, Filafi and Fade...And Maybe even a whole lot of people out there That I never knew I hurt... I feel Soo bad...

I was sad Cox I was so unsure that I had made the right Choice... Nafa or maybe its another mistake in life... Maybe I might end up finding enemies rather than friends... Maybe I might even get enemies.. I'd just be A loner...

I was Sad... I remember Ms Eng's Words to me.. abt sort of betraying ELDDS and not going back to help them... Is my irresponsibility to not helping ELDDS the Cause to them getting BRONZE this year... was that my fault?

I felt that Craig, My uncle, who knew that I am gay... was actually disappointed and that he actually wants to tell everyone I'm gay.. although he told me he's actually ok with it.. and that he supports me no matter what.. I'm so afraid...

I felt that My Grandma Agnes perera.. would be lookin down on me ... I missed her so... She'd probably be lookin down and thinking What has my Grandson become..

I just Cried... And Cried... and then I tought oF all my dearly departed relatives lookin down on me.. and wondering.. Why? Why is that queer aquaintance of ours botherin to live a life like that?

I wondered that too..? why? Why?
I looked at the railin beyond...

I could imagine... Putting on leg over it.. and then the other... turning my body towards the edge and then

Plumetting

Down..

Down...

I could just imagine the feeling ... The feeling of free-falling....

And then soon the fear.. The Fear That will encompass u just before u hit rock bottom...

And then .. everything..

Gone...

But I was a coward.. I knew better than to take my own life.. + I was too scared to do it...
I couldn't imagine dying.. and then

I cried again:

I Guess If i Died no one would care..
No one would remember that guy
Maybe someone would,
But it probably be because I did smth bad to them
And they didnt forgive me for it..
or maybe i owe them smth..
I dont know..
I dont know...

Who am I?
What am I?
Am I fated to exist of this plane?
Was I meant to walk this Road down Life?
Was I meant to Live? for this?
Will I ever .. find.. Love?

Why?

I can't Help.. But Only Ask...

Why?

G.

And I was Probably sad for you... Whoever is reading this... Cox Of all the possible problems That U face... in ur life... i want to help.. but i feel... that I Might end up hurting you... and I've Probably done it already.. :'(

{/Play at My HeartStrings --

... For A Better Feel ... With Me ...

Music Playlist at MixPod.com